Emptyness in my heartfelt heart....

Drifting apart...worse feeling in the world..lolz theres always something thats, THE WORSE in the world...

lolz i guess thats my meandering mind going on....

But yea being all serz again...u eva hav the feeling of drifting apart from ppl...yea most ppl would hav experienced the feeling of drifting apart from some one...well anyone for that matter..most ppl would hav it blow over..

But wat if u were one person who lost everyone...wat if everyone left u behind..wat if everytime u tried to be a friend to someone..it becomes this unappreciated help...when al u say to urself.."well...thnxs..glad i could help"...to urself..u felt like each person u talk to u felt like u found a friend...then all of a sudden they seem to disappear from u.. and like no matter how hard u try...it all ends in vain..well that was high skool 2 sum extent for me..Yea i noe ppl from my high skool said they were my mate..but yea it was hard for me jus to let go

I guess the only witness to my life..GOD has always been there...yea im all grown up but the feeling of needing someone is all there even if most ppl in today's society think of this idea as 'childish'. But think about it...even has to act some way..or be like this...or do this..or do that cause its 'kool'...its the 'in style' kinda frame of mine..wat happened to wat 'i want' and if they like then so yea...independence...have ppl lost the way to be independent..cause for me i think with all my tryin to hav friends like most of u ppl got...im starting to think..like i wasnt to hav anyone by my side...maybe i was supposed to travel this life on my own...and let ppl come to me...rather than me....

Cause in the end...we r own worst enemy, our greatest judge, r most trusted person is oursleves...is the age of bein there for each other still stands..after hearing a 60 yr old saying that the Western World losing its compassion is sad to hear...cause i feel like i can change that..to wat extent i dunno yet..if im able to touch someone anyone for that matter..and was able to be thanked for that..i'd die a happi man....

Alot of my entires r sad..and u noe y...no one realli wants noe me...like realli...most ppl are like surprised, conscpicous, misjudge me...and like think that im in over my head..or im just too serz..wat if im not...wat if...i wasnt...all these quandries and shit...in my head ill neva be able to turn off i reckon...

My head neva stops, neva stops calculating...neva stops tryin to figure out ppl...i cant help but watch and then write how i feel when i write these blogs..feeling that im the worser person and neva thought for one day i could be happi like so many others...

I dunno..more and more rantings....man...but it doesnt change the fact that i hav to do things on my own, and i gotta move on through life without fear...i guess a quote from Lao Tzu somes it up;

"Mastering strength is one, mastering other is another, but if u master urself, u r fearless"

So the idea of 'mastering ourselves is the challenge' and its tru are we that perfect no..r we there for each other, for sure that is..but it may not be all the time...I cant stress enough the point that...i gotta be there for ppl..friends and strangers for that matter at times....like be unselfish for one second it could mean the world for someone...cause there are alot of lonely souls out there..waiting for someone to notice..myself included...


I guess i hav to be patient...and like yea if ppl do just leave me after i help without looking for reward..i noe for most its u think its like 'so unfair', or 'so stupid'of me to write an entry like this..and if anyone reads this..plz comment..but yea thats sounds to desperate..but yea i leave it up 2 u all..if there is hope left in the western world..plz PROVE ME WRONG..

I end wit a quote from a Ying Yang Twins song:

"From the time they are cut from ther umbilical cord, no one enforces there life to be hard.."

Who do we leave it up 2 in the end....?

Well ttylz tc gb

Peace Outz

Meandering.....

Eva feel like u keep goin on, movin on...in an constant loop to the point where it just doesnt make sense anymore?

Atms...im feeling...sorta lost atm.....not sure where my tru feelings or tru self is atm. For some its easier, but for someone else it mite be more harder than they thought.

Me being a Gemini..as my star sign, ppl believe that u hav "split personalities", maybe even more than one. Rite at this moment, i reckon i hav a number of personalities, and the worse feeling for me is that the personality that i want to express, is hard to express, cause like my other personalities try to hide it away....thus leading to feeling down about...feels like i CANT HELP it.

Also ppl that i talk r really decieivin atms, dont even noe who to trust out there. Some days u think a person is like 'just great' for a moment, and all of sudden, they dont wanna noe u. Yes i noe that ppl r buzi wit dere lives..but cmon.!!!

Gahh....swear, is my brother rite in sayin that im turnin emo, is my cousin so right in saying that

"u can neva trust friends...u'll get backstabbed, even
theclosest ones, even when they dont mean it"

Right now jus feeling, sorta alone..but at the same time i wanna talk to anyone..but to afraid to ask...

"Tryin to look for a true friend but to afraid to
ask..."-Tupac Shakur

Well all im sayin is this....ive been through alot...wish someone
out there was there for me...like be a friend without being asked to...which
forme i find it hard not only to search but also to allow myself to
accept...

I guess unlockin the person that is me....is not and easy trip..i
guess it neva is...

So many things in life i want..i dunno ill just leave it up to him (U know who..) to decide my fate...i just wished ppl looked for me rather me having to do it....

Wells that all i got on my mind tonites well ttyl tc gb

Peace

What is Fun?

To be frank and honest..fun..what is it? Try asking urself that.

People say its just when ur able to be urself, or saying that its hanging out with mates and doing wateva u want..right?

Well ur probably thinking that, I have the answer to it, I don't think so either, lets just say im saying my OWN kind of opinion of 'FUN'.

Fun gives, that the sense to all people, that things aren't as bad as they seem...no matter the reality that this world leaves us...

Fun is the 'numbing' of stress I guess what best describes it, cause to think about what would do without it. I'd bet none of us would. Take these examples for instance, have u eva been in the situation where the day ur having is so off, then all of a sudden a funny moment in the day pops in, or person who u bump into makes u laugh, or a crazy funny phrase by some person...fun comes and goes...but when it happens...it's the icebreaker for our stress that we build up.

People who are able to do this like comedians and ppl who are just plain funny, to really think about are doing us a favour, rather than random occurrences.

Cause to think about who wants to live in a world of Utopia (lolz...if u don't wat that means its when the world lives under one certain type of lifestyle). Cause 'having fun' once in a while is very useful, very important in some cases.

But again, u neva take fun for granted. Ppl who think fun is means of having a life and living to it...is sadly mistaken fun isn’t supposed to be a vessel to be used. Realli would u wanna c someone try to have fun everyday…the only ppl who can say that are the ppl who have achieved everything, but by the time u reach that stage, there isn't any more fun at all to look forward to anyway...so really u can just have fun 24/7 I guess...

As for the last couple of days...well ive been thinking (as always, hahaha), life atms still kinda well wat can u say, in a state of waiting something to happen...Well brother is still acting the same...that exuberant youth of him, sorta pisses everyone off from some instance, but yea last nite was interesting talking to my mum again..realli it was.

Like again all of a sudden she wanted to talk to me, and ASK me for advice, and like yea I did..and yea I told her to let my brother 'make that mistake' (thanks for that FAYE =)..)

But yeah the weird thing was, like there are times my bro will all of sudden want to act serz, and then a minute later he closes up and hides with that ignorant, sense of humour, or wanting to have fun, and acting bored thing...When really he wants the attention and wants me and my rents jus to be proud of me. For me, my parents can say enough of me, but deep down inside I feel like I don't want this...praise...cause it eats my brother down, and to hear from your mother that ur bro or sis saying "He/She doesn't love me anymore" makes it worse on me..cause yea I still wanna be there for him but I cant now that im older, and have had more experience.

The worse thing in the world is that I can be able to explain that to him, cause all that does is end up him saying 'U've changed' speech, or begins to blackmail me, so that he can get away from the blame or fire he gets from ppl.

Well I guess time is the only thing at the moment that makes all the sense,

"Time heals all wounds"

If one thing is for sure...patience is needed always...and yea today was gud for me like, my bros friend came when I was at my cuzins place and like we caught up and spent some time together...what I got out of it was this...

For a long tym in my whole schooling life for that matter...I missed out on something...when I heard the two of them talk about memories of the 'good old days'...sorta left me in a state of sadness, as I look baq and only remember the bad ones rather than the gud ones, and thinking to myself 'where hav my friends gone?, where have all the fond memories go?' ...geez fun for me is hard to come by as I jus cruise along the highway of life...

Each day I spend on this Earth I learn more and more about myself and to think about, I surprise myself...like with wat stuff im able to say to others...

For me the one thing that keeps me happi...well my feeling of 'fun' is being able to help someone either directly or indirectly, whether by jus sayin 'hello' to an old friend, or giving advice to someone, inspiring others...like these blog entries... I dunno how much of an impact im showing?

But I noe im having fun doing it, imagining someone else, either friend or stranger being able to feel betta after they read..cause it made a difference in their lives..

I guess to end tonites blog is by saying 'fun' to most ppl is just something that naturally happens...well in fact it does..but the best thing about it is...fun gets is a drug that keeps us sane from the brutal world that has become today, not only physically but mentally now days, especially teenagers and young adults so much unwanted pressure...

In the end all I can say is have 'fun' with life...enjoy it to the MAX...but neva keep ur eyes of the prize. As long as u keep that in mind, life SHOULD get betta for anyone out dere...

Well that its for now....

Ttylz tc gb and

Tc of each other

Peace outs

Truth looks strange...

In today's world i guess for most young ppl are age, the truth does look strange, and thing is we try to hide it, or run away from it, cause the truth may bring, feelings which we may not want to keep with us in our lives whether it helps or not. Wat is truth? ppl say, yea 2pac Shakur had an idea of wat truth was and it was shown in his music and lyrics:

"That's just the way it isThings'll never be the sameThat's just the way it
is"
"Changes"

"I'd sit and reminisce, nigga and bliss on the good dayz
i stop
and stare at the younger, my heart goes to'em
They tested, it was stressed
that they under
In our days, things changed
Everyone's ashamed to the
youth cuz the truth looks strange
And for me it's reversed, we left them a
world that's cursed, and it hurts
cause any day they'll push the button"
"Ghetto Gospel"

For me the truth is probably the scarest thing to face...and im probably not the only one either to say that. If u think about it who isnt afraid of the truth? R U?.....

The last couple of days from have been realli...well lets say interestin a mixture of ups and downs, which that is no surprise, but the severity of both was the thing that got to me.

For instance, my brother, well lets say for a long time...ive been by his side for so long from those youngins days....things are now very different since now he's 15 almost 16 now, with testosterone pumping and everything that comes wit adolescense and like, the worse thing in the world for me, is that i cant stop him from making the mistakes that i made, even when there r times i try to warn him...but in the weird 'big scheme' of things, my bro completly ignored me even though our bond as brothers is strong..probably stronger than most...

The thing is, i have to LET HIM grow up, like he was more luckier than i was...i guess in a weird way, i wish i was dumb...no that was bad word, lets say doesnt noe as much about the world as i do, and has the opportunity to learn. Unlike me, who has this pre conceived idea, of searching for knowledge.... many ppl say:

"Knowledge brings power"

The sad 'TRUTH' that is, with power brings great responsibility and pain with it..plz dont tell me that all the smart ppl out dere with the money in the their pockets r realli happi..for most they arent. Cause they miss out on parts of life, that everyone else gets to experience, like having ur first drink wit mates, or riding a bike for the first time, havin ur first kiss, or first eva bf and gf relationship (lol..so much for puppy love), to driving a car for the first time.

Yea im sorta straying from like wats happening, but yea, probably a couple of nites ago, my bro and mother had a massive fight with each other, and i was in the middle of it, at the end of it, she realli snapped..almost to the point were she was gonna...well....i cant say..and yea. When i went upstairs to check to c how she was going, i saw her crying on her own asking to God..."Y?, Y me wat hav i done, ive done all gud..., all i want for them is too be gud, and hav a future", and then after she began talking to me expressing how she felt about my brother, and how she felt bad about lashing out the way she did cause of all the stress she had in her life, which another story....a REAL tough story..anyways...

She was pouring out tears to me when she said it...and yea i brokedown myself, cause i knew i was the only person left standing to support them, and i knew deep down that it was only me, that i would be able to hold that family together. The TRUTH is, that all this pain, ups and downs of life all looks so complicated.

While my bro, as young as he his, the sad thing was that he didnt understand, and yea i tried to explain to him like how she was feeling when, he asked "Wat she say?" and i tried to explained...but yea but the body language and facial expressions...that he was still in "battle mode". And yea i jus sat there that nite, and for most of the nxt day, i jus sat and thought bout it...when i had time to myself...

now ur probably thinking y didnt i say anything to my friends...well pplz read my last entry before this....and u'll c y..i easily get ashamed of myself very easily to be honest, and yea i guess i dunno how long it will take for me to 'improve' this side of me. But yea theres more to me than meets the eye i guess.

But yea, one of the worse things in the world is that u can help everyone, and yea im gonna scab a quote off my bro, which he scabbed of the Simpsons,

"Anybody, who really cares will abondon you for someone who needs it
more.."

I guess thats where i highlight the 'TRUTH lookin strange argument' rite there...everypart of life and this world, the inside truth that lies in it...looks realli strange to be honest...come on does anyone else think the same? in this world for that matter realli understand the truth, even i another 'human being' dont have the answers or the strength to understand it.

Well to conlclude tonites proceedings...(lolz..haha so professional of me) but yea the song by The All-American Rejects-'Move Along', sorta finishes off this entry:

"When all you gotta be is strong, move along, move along like i noe u do,
and even when ur hope is gone, move along, move along, just to make it
through,
move along, and right back wat is wrong we move along..."

I guess this quote (i made myself) somes up wat im feeling about the whole matter:

"Bein bad is easy enough, bein gud is....complicated..."

Remember, the truth does looks strange, but we move along...

ttyl tc gb and tc of each other

Peace Outs

'In someones shoes'

hmmz..bleh....wats on my mind well..alot i guess..

You eva imagine life in someone elses shoes???

So many of u probably have had the question, thats crossed ur mine in some place...wheneva it was probably got u thinkin...some more than most,

For most of my life, the thought of living in someone elses shoes, always attracted me to think bout it more than most..like if u eva imagine ur self in someones shoes how u cope? Alot ppl say their own way...and yea sorta wish..

Wat if...that thought was something that plays in ur mind all day..well yea for me its happened alot of times..Y u mite think...? well all comes back...wat if u were in my shoes?..

For most of u out there, u wouldnt want to be in my shoes...trust my mind will fuck u up...so yea sorry for bein literal for a couple of secs but yea. The past yr has been real weird for me, its been a whole ride of emotions for me...and ive had my share of downs this yrs, more than eva..

If u think about all the successful ppl in the world...think about for a second, they all had 2 sacrifice something for the sack of their one desire..imagine Michael Jordan without playing hard to imagine dont it...i reckon there were times where he looked out at the crowd and saw a couple of kids or a group of friends just hanging out on a sunday afternoon, without having to worri bout a thing on the monday...mj, tiger woods, lincoln, shakespeare, da vinci, bill gates...ppl who have made a name for themselves in the world and hav all the success. The reason they were gud at something and stuck to it..the weird thing is as u can c both sides of the coin...we the fans always admired these ppl wondering how life would be and how amazing it is..

while on their side, some of the ppl on the successful sorta wished they had a piece of our own world..the freedom of doing anything u want, not kept in by expectations and rules and regulations. i guess with success comes sacrifice i guess...

Probably reading through this entry its sounds sorta depressing on my part, well...i imagine this:

imagine thoughtout ur whole life u've been brought up to do the write, ur the person who the whole family looks up 2, u've jus come out of stuggles many kids would just break down and yet u get through..

The idea that u, cant...tell anyone how u feel? because u are ashamed of urself, and the life u lead would be implicated when u told...the feeling that when u tell someone ur secrets, that u hope for that person to be there for u..or look up to u...and finding out that it doesnt mean anything..

imagine that ur own interpretations are the things keeping u away from everyone, wat if...u were in the situation where, u think u pass through the storm, when in fact u've only in the eye of the storm and still have the other side to get through which looks more worse for wear.

Wat if u've come to the point were, ur parents have turned into someone that they would want, but not wat u want...and that this thought u try to express it no matter how u do...ends up with someone not giving a damn, or someone not understanding...all they can do is just support u...

Wat if the family ur in depends on u...the last resort..to save them...the burden of the prodigal son on ur shoulders...wat if u see both ur parents struggling...and look to u for advice when its realli u that needs it...but u hav to keep ur own and hide the pain so they wont lose hope...wat if ur brother or sister, depends on u and wants ur support to be there...even though it doesnt seem like it..

Wat if u were in the situation, that through ur life u've been brought up being a gud person..well in fact..the rest of the world is taking the 'gud with the bad' idea...and ur life seems like its in slow motion and u seem like ur missing out..

Wat if...Wat if u were in my shoes for a day..how would u cope?

Theres alot of 'Wat ifs..?' isnt there...well if u noe who dis is...then message me ask...

My life is a ride no doubt and im riding on, and holding on...with the hope that it will be better..

The quote from a song that i listen to alot sorta somes up my situation, i guess alot ppl wish they can sum up their lives in one quote..i guess ppl r still finding theres:

'Hoping for the best but expecting the worst...'

I guess in life we all have our hopes and dreams in front of us, but at the same token the fears and doubts are there as well, the balance of the two....sorta brings us to the point of normality, for most ppl my age...me writing like i am seems to 'old' for most, i was one of the few who had to GROW UP early and its still hurts me, cause in my life ive had my share of bad experiences...most of my friends keep saying i should 'get over it' and move and try to scrape the little motivation left in me to gain some life back in me..but its not so easy as it seems...thats the thing wat if u were in my shoes...its the hardest thing for me to get over the point that not many will get to understand...but i keep in my heart that they want the best for me..and dont want to see me down and out..cause to the ppl that dont noe to some degree...im more an inspiration to them than i thought i am...

To finish, advice to all ppl out there reading this entry, be a friend, for someone...even if they dont understand u...even if all u can do is jus say... 'It'll be ok'

U realli honestly dont know how a little bit of support may mean to someone, it could me the whole world 2 someone and u many not noe urself when it matters..the feeling u get when u do help someone...will stay wit for a long tym even if u may forget...

'Beware the wounded soldier...'

Call me paranoid or wateva..im jus writing wat i think...weird dont isnt it..were human...but we are so much more than that..


Peace Outs

NBA dunks

sick dunks..

Well first time i actually blogged here..well it been awhile since i last blogged, i got another one on my msnspace well not many ppl read....but the ones who hav..and hav taken somethin away from im glad it did change ppl lives...well its kinda weird dont it? We say we can change ppl lives, isnt only in fantasy world or the realm of movies can we normal ppl change lives for the better.

Well i dunno but i still believe, but at the same time its a part of me that eats at me. Sometimes i ask myself y do gud for the sake of others..i thing seems to spring up in my mind and its this:

wat i went through so far in my life....i dont want others to go through...i feel like i hav a duty for some odd reason to help others...

ppl my age ur probably thinkin...should drinkin acting WILD and FREE and embracin life..well i pplz i had to GROW UP early and yea..i do regret it, trust me its normal for me to do that but at the same time..it does hav its perks..like for most ppl im the kinda person who ppl can talk to about anythin a person who is neutral..someone who can keep a secret..(lolz..noe to much bout that ive hav my own deep secret)..like i keep sayin to myself, but with little conviction, "i aint the usual guy..."

but...realli is being gud dying? tell me that, isnt the act of being gud, is being forced upon us rather than coming deep down. Y is it so harder to show feelings...instead blinding the ourselves with fads and fantasy...and this so called reality crap...y is it that bein a gud person seems so uncool, yea ppl say that there gud..but when does someone REALLI MEAN it..i for one am doin it right now.

and yes we arent all prefect, but is just me or has the world lookin at life where, success overrides everythin in the world...i guess the song "I wish i was a punk rocker" by Sandi Thom, summed my point of view of life...

many parents well ppl born in the 50's and 60's sorta wished it was..but yea i can c where everyone else side about. Like ppl believe they noe doin rite brings gud tidings to others...but y is it we hide it...do we think we noe everythin?..

maybe its jus my paranoia steppin in...but i jus cant help it..y act immature to be happi...y is sex seeming the best way to insult..maybe its the relationships that we have wit ppl....maybe thats where it lies...ppl share lives, share experiences, go through life wit someone...for me it was family..for others there r many reasons y we are who we are..

i guess the best way to look at life as it is:

'wat we go through in life from religion, family, friends, work, skool..and beyond..it makes us who we are..perfectly human'

thats it from me for my first blog..comments i dont mind..i dont mind listenin to wats on ur mind..

peace outz

magsman