Endgame

Do you remember playing a video game and you finally reach the final stage of it. You work days and days...until finally you finish it...then its over.

You got that in your head now?....Got it.

Now picture it side by side with your life. What is your ENDGAME? Where do you want to be? What will you be? Why is it so important to get there?

Every person has it, GUARANTEED!!! We all strive towards it, live and die by it in some cases. The very thought of that destination very much haunts us and wages it's own battle in our minds trying to make sense of it, trying to find the path not too traveled on, then the one we see.

It creates for us this slow shattering of self-expectation, that:

"I must do this or else....or I will not fail...what will others think of me...what...what will i do"

The to-ING and fro-ING of this expectation whether generated in self or from externally it exists too. Intertwining with that picture of the endgame, complete messing your moods whether its a small win, or a road bump, it makes you succumb to it.

In others, that endgame doesn't even exist, hence the term 'lost souls'...get spoken around the water cooler. Some even may have got there and realized that it isn't all what it was cracked up to be.

The reason why I writing this is because I know too many people who are tortured and praised by this endgame, that I just wanted to share my view of it.

In my own way, this endgame or endgames....is what drives life in the directions it takes good or bad it just is.

Fear

Fear

It’s the thing that drives, compels, and defines as people.

Many people think it’s the darkness that shrouds us and we have to fight it. I don’t believe that it’s true, I believe fear brings us far closer to our true selves than ever before. This realization could to take for some a lifetime to figure out. But as I am writing this I am realizing a truth that I wish would never come out.

Tonight, that fear shock me to the core, to the core depths of my own happiness and depressions all in the same instance, the ‘A-HA moment’ or should I say moments.

I remember writing back several years ago that it is our human condition to feel for more, today I can tell you that this condition can bring out the worse in people. I believe that my fear has turned my human condition to a ‘snowball’ effect of lies and deceit on myself, families, friends and the world. I have become a person who I don’t love in the mirror…it’s this odd empty feeling of guilt, regret and depression.

This island wall fortress that we or should I say I have built has got me to this point.
My fear has become everything and being, this fear can make mighty men fall to their knees, make the strong wilt, make the wise question.

The scary part is that I knew it would come, try as I must to fight it, it grew so much stronger each day.

Can I blame anyone for this blame? You could say you could, but how can you? The world is built in such a way that fear drives the world. Many nights I sit, before I sleep thinking is it my family that brought me to blame, is it the system that cause to feel this way…so many questions lead to tonight. Even as I type I hide in my own little room typing away hoping that anyone out there sees this, hoping that a soul knows what I am feeling, hoping that someone really knows.

But really I can’t, the only person I can blame is me and only me. And that my friends is the haunting yet beautiful curse us as humans have made.

To make a last note, don’t make the same mistakes I have made in life, which we all do. I just hope to be able to at least get one reader out there to listen to what I have to say. I hope that fear hasn’t got to them, hope that they were able to talk to someone about their fears, that ‘elephant in the room’.

Fear drives me as it does save me.